I thought I'd share this video I made many years ago. I try to explain how I see my psychosis at the basis: As a result of opening up, to stand into a mental split, so to speak, where your mind partly stands in the old and common an partly into something new and unknown.

I had a similar experience I had before, it was a question and answer chain that was being resolved by me and went on for a long time to end up with a conclusion. I have no clear memory of what questions and answers have been said in the chain. But it was related to life. It went something like this: What is love? And then I would explain as good as I could what Love is. And within my explanation I would use another word for example; I need the word compassion to explain Love. Then I would be asked what is compassion? and it went on and on and on. But the questions brought me deeper and deeper to the essence of something. At the time of this writing I do not recall the end point. But things like “action reaction”, “duality”, “energy” etc would be possible words that where mentioned during the question and answering chain. It was an experience that I had before, somehow it was a just a question answer loop in my head but I think I was being helped during the process. Also I was in a different state then I normally would be, having more mental power to penetrate more deeply.

Later on I was answering or listening rather to myself while a lot of things were said about me. I think it was more or less some kind of similar chain, but more related to me personally. It where questions like: Do you know why you are this or that? Why it was so hard for you to do this or that? And in most cases I answered No because I did not know. And every time a un recognised fear came around the bend. While this process continued I was crying a lot, every time I became aware of a fear that I had, I felt crying. I was surprised, it was beautiful in a way, I felt more love for myself because I realised that I had so many things to conquer/transform in my life. But it went deeper than that. I remember that there was a point being made that I had the most fears of all. I did not knew who or what belonged to the “all” group though.

I was being told a lot about "why" regarding my life and my fears. Even to the point that my mother did not understand who I was when I was born. That I did not know how to communicate, how to socialise, because people did not understood me; I had to learn everything because I did not know anything. I just remember bits and pieces and my memory is very blurry from their on. It also had something to do with duality, and with me being able to bind it to One. Or that I am not dual, or something like that. I can’t remember. But all this made me feel like I had to face so many fears, that I was brave and always looked onwards to conquer more of my fears, even though I did not realise they were fears, they were just things that I did not understand or aspects that I did not learned yet, that I am bringing something special to the world. It gave me a feeling that I was something big, something new, like what 3d is towards 2d, more then a paradigm shift, hard to explain. Sometimes I felt like I am the next buddha, and at other times I feel so insignificant. I do not say that I am, I just say that that feeling comes over me, the feeling like, yes yes! you are! it’s true!

Ok by now anyones brains should be cooked from excessive usage. But for me it did not stop there.